The Friendships That Shapes Me

(This is my writing from a few years ago, from my IG story. I wanna share it here). 

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I wanna tell a story about my own experience with the friendships I have had throughout my 34 years of living on this earth. 

I hope you can find the gems you need from these stories, depending on your own personal life and understanding.

p/s: Someone asked me about not getting the same vibes from her friends, and it hurts her. So I hope my stories can somehow help her feel better.

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I am always emotional when writing about friends coz I do value every special friendship that I have/had, and apparently, for every friend that I hoped I could be in a special friendship with, it didn’t survive. (Still in touch with them once in a while, it’s just that the friendship is no longer as close as it used to be.) 

Not their fault, of course. It’s just that eventually we found out that we didn’t have the same goals for that friendship. So in the end, it’s either me slowing down or them leaving me. 

And what I mean by special friendship is: a friendship where we both pray for each other, always want the best for each other (dunya & akhirah) and never stop supporting each other in whatever good things we are doing (when someone supports you, you can definitely feel it even when they don’t say it verbally). 

Bonus: we both have the dream of performing umrah together.

I don’t simply go to my friends and list down everything I want in the friendship, coz I do believe that if they’re the one, I will feel it right away based on the vibes they give and the way they ‘understand the assignment’. 

In addition to that, for me, the best friendship is the one where we can talk to each other about feelings, ugly sides, and basically everything without making either of us feel even a tiny bit judged or avoided. 

note: I know certain women believe that they don’t really need a best friend once they’re married, but for someone in a situation like mine, having a best friend is vital. So let’s avoid being judgmental toward each other, and let’s not rate who’s better.

I once had a best crazy-friend, but I realized that we were close to each other only during our happy moments. Kawan gila-gila for huha huha, but we both didn’t really know each other’s stories. 

I’m sure we all have this kind of friend, kan? Of course, we are happy with them and miss them whenever they’re away. Or maybe we can call them our ‘hang-out’ friends?  

Back to my story, when we both graduated and didn’t really meet each other, I realized she had changed. No, not physically, but in the way she replied to my messages; starting from giving me a cold tone to no reply at all, for around a year. 

I was super sad about it and even told my husband that I dreamt about her a few times; perhaps because I missed her so much. And it hurts to think that she left me wondering what my fault was.

Long story short, she called me and told me she was facing big problems in her life and even went somewhere far away secretly for a while to heal. 

Since then, I’ve learned that when someone gives us the cold shoulder, we should suspend our judgment and try to understand that they might be facing difficulties that make them feel like they need quiet time away from everyone; instead of blaming ourselves or assuming everything negative about them.

And what’s more important is the lesson my husband taught me: contact your friends who all of a sudden choose to go into hiatus mode, tanya khabar and say that you are there for them if they ever need you, but don’t feel bad if they don’t reply. 

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Let's move on to another story.

I once had a best friend who basically knew everything about me, and vice versa. She was there for me when nobody else knew the difficulties I had.

So what’s the problem? 

She didn’t have the same goal regarding our friendship, so we found out that because of that difference, it was super hard for us to walk side by side on the same path.

So little by little, we left each other, and as Dena Bahrin once said, we both were “sad but accepted the fact” that we had to let go of that close friendship. No grudges, no resentment, no ill feelings. 

But one thing’s for sure, we both still pray for the best for each other. And Allah always knows best; today might not be the best time for us, and perhaps one day it will be, if that’s what’s best for our dunya and akhirah.

The lesson I’ve learned from it: It’s not anybody’s fault when a certain friendship has to end. Try to learn the precious lessons from it, appreciate the beautiful memories created together, and always, always pray for each other. And surely, it’s not important to find out who’s to be blamed.

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And I have a few close friends that I regard as special (coz they’re closer), but it turns out I am not as special to them as I thought I was. 

So little by little, I learned to be okay with the fact that I am just another good friend they have on their list. To be okay with that is indeed helpful in making me feel fine whenever I notice we don’t give mutual vibes to each other. 

Lesson: It’s important to accept the hard truth that people are different and have their own preferences/lifestyles. InshaAllah, with this kind of mentality, we won’t easily feel hurt, left out, tawar hati, and whatnot. Even if we do, we can easily move on from that feeling.

After what happened, I guess it’s okay not to have that one special friend. 

What’s more important is for me to be kind to everyone, and to be grateful for the blessing of having people (including strangers) who are kind to me; for example, you. 

If having “her” is good for my dunya and akhirah, I believe He will let me find one in His own special way.

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And… I am sooo thankful to Allah that He let me find my childhood best friend recently. I did feel like crying when we talked about our current lives and found out that we have so many similar life events. 

It kind of feels impossible, but that’s what happened. MashaAllah. Do you know how they say that other than the support from family and friends, having the chance to talk to someone (even a stranger) who is going through the same thing is totally helpful and gives us the strength to keep going? 

Yes, it really does feel like a gift from Allah to have her in my current life. I cried when she said: 

“Terima kasih tak pernah give up cari kita.”

♥️